


this is what our dying looks like

by alienbabe (molotovgirl)



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: F/M, Jyn and Cassian belong together sorry, Tragic Romance, also i'm crying right now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 02:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9102298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molotovgirl/pseuds/alienbabe
Summary: Jyn and Cassian die together. Before that, there were stolen kisses in cargo holds and a night they'll never forget.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I saw Rogue One a few days ago and I'm still devastated by that tragic ending. Churning out a happy-sad fic is always cathartic, right? Enjoy!

__

_ Adieu near those fields that smoke disembowels                    _

_And that your arm pushes away_

_ For a long time until the inevitable stratum of the                    _

_Adieus until the next_

_Adieu_

_ \-- “Elegy”, Pierre Martory  _

 

The world ends as Jyn’s father had always told her it had begun: a flash of light, a blinding heat. Particles colliding. She sees it coming, of course, the horizon lifting to meet the sky, the terrible yellow glare off the evaporating sea. She kneels beside Cassian, hands fisted in the cloth of his shirt. Tiny details that sustain her: the fabric of his clothing, the grains of sand digging into her knees, the distinct weight of his hands on her back. He smells like sweat and rust, like  _ life _ . There is nothing but this, the moment before collapse. Cassian opens his mouth as if to speak, but closes it again. Jyn says nothing, she feels no need to. Everything has already been said, in words or in gestures or in the sweet dark pressure of two bodies in the night. She thinks that his hands against her back are the only real thing in the world, as they kneel before death. Jyn Erso closes her eyes: there is still so much she wants to feel. 

  
  


She has never said the word  _ home  _ and meant a specific place––not the lonely homestead where her mother was killed, or any of the rugged outposts where she found dubious employment as a common criminal––until Yavin IV, where the ragtag collection of rebel fighters feels  _ right _ , where she slides between X-wing pilots and droids and senators like a missing puzzle piece. She feels as if she belongs here, with this band of resistance fighters. For the first time, Jyn thinks, she’s doing something her father would be proud of. The crystal hanging around her neck feels less like a grim reminder of what she’s left behind and more like a promise of what lies ahead. Jyn grieves silently and out of sight. She sobs into her thin blanket the night her father dies, lets the scratchy fabric muffle her cries. When Cassian appears at her bedside, kneeling beside her bunk and pushing damp locks of hair back from her sweaty forehead, she finds that she no longer has the strength to push him away. She lets him into the cramped bunk where they lie together, at first making a concerted effort to not touch each other, fingers barely brushing. She weeps silently and he curls his hand around hers, intertwining their fingers. Jyn sobs, angry at herself for allowing such weakness in front of the rebel captain, the agony of her father’s death still a fresh wound. And Cassian, the man who was prepared to pull the trigger on him, lying inches away from her. The man who didn’t, Jyn reminds herself, the man who chose not to. They move towards each other slowly, drawn together as if by some unseen force. Jyn’s face is damp with tears. Cassian draws her to his chest and holds her there, and she presses her face into the fabric of his shirt and breathes in the smell of rust and sweat and thinks that this is the only real thing, him holding her in the blue semi-darkness of this bunk in a grounded starship. She tastes blood when he kisses her. He whispers that he won’t take advantage of her, not in this state, and she whispers back to  _ shut up _ . She kisses him hard and sloppy and full of something not unlike anger. She wants him with a trembling ferocity she cannot explain. They are pressed close together, limbs tangled, existing in a space too close to name. Inches between them, and then centimeters, and then nothing but skin on skin and hands rough all over each other. His hands are callused and gentle and her touch is grasping, desperate, she wants him and nothing but him.  _ Jyn _ , he says her name low and reverent, moving against her,  _ Jyn.  _ Words catch in her mouth like a prayer. It’s like being on the burning surface of a star.  _ Cassian _ , she says against his mouth,  _ by the Force, Cassian _ and he is speaking another language, sweet and soft and strange with his lips pressing down against her throat and she lets the words lift and carry her. She wants him, and skin on skin on skin, and nothing else. 

 

When Cassian says  _ we don’t have much time left  _ as he and K2SO pilot the ship through an asteroid belt, Jyn thinks he’s talking about  _ them.  _ She burns for him, wants him like she’s never wanted anyone. She watches him with restrained passion, the way his body moves under his shirt, the way he moves his hands on the ship’s controls. Lithe, dangerous, solid. Jyn thinks of his body pressed against hers. She tries to shake it and finds she can’t. They’re in the middle of a war, after all, they should be ready to die at any moment. Cassian is, she knows. Like Bodhi, like Chirrut and Baze and every other damn Resistance fighter. The ship is crowded with men and women who are prepared to fling themselves at the Empire in one desperate, last-ditch attempt to kill it.  _ Our lives mean nothing,  _ Cassian had whispered,  _ in comparison to the Resistance. This is what it is all for, is it not? For freedom?  _ The way he had said  _ freedom _ , low and reverent as he’d said her name, makes her wonder about the sacrifices he’d made for the Rebel Alliance. His parents, she knows that much. But who else? A sister, a brother? Maybe it doesn’t matter––he’s young, handsome, ready to die for the rebellion. She watches him leave the controls to K2SO and pour over a series of maps, brow furrowed. The hunch of his shoulders, the dip of his lower back. Jyn can’t stop seeing him naked, all tanned skin and lean muscle, hovering above her with his pupils blown out like a damn eclipse. She clenches her fist, digging her fingernails into her palms. But when she seeks refuge in the ship’s lower levels, pretending to check over the weapons one last time, he finds her. It’s innocuous, the way he brushes his hand against hers as she disassembles and reassembles a blaster. His eyes are full of a dark want. She pulls him close and kisses him, not giving a damn who might walk through the door and see them. There’s nothing but this, she thinks, but him and the quiet hum of the ship’s engine and the cold black void of space outside the foot and a half of pressurized metal. Just this. It’s all she wants. She can’t tell him that, not now, not as they’re hurtling at lightspeed towards possible and even probable death. Fear grips her suddenly, and she presses herself against him.  _ Are you ready for this?  _ Her voice is tremulous when she answers:  _ I think so.  _ He pulls her against him again. She can hear his heart beating.  _ Whatever happens,  _ he says quietly,  _ it will be alright. I know you have not done this before, but I have. Many times. Looked death in the face and run towards it anyway. Don’t look behind you, Jyn. Just look ahead.  _ He cups her chin and tilts her face up towards him. His eyes are bright and soft.  _ Just look ahead _ , she whispers back. He nods, and kisses her. 

 

So this is how it ends. A blinding light and the sound of the horizon being torn away, and two bodies pressed tight and desperate against each other. Jyn thinks of how it was before, pulled so close together out of a sudden and unrelenting lust. She can hear Cassian’s breath low and rough in her ear, taking pained and ragged gasps against her skin.  _ It’s over,  _ she says quietly, against the roar of the collapsing planet.  _ It’s all over.  _ His grasp on her is tight enough to bruise.  _ Yes,  _ he whispers,  _ it’s over.  _ Jyn presses her forehead against his.  _ Do you think we’ll meet again? In the Force?  _ The kyber crystal seems to pulse at her throat.  _ If you believe in such things,  _ says Cassian, and Jyn grips him tighter as the heat becomes unbearable. Sand stings her skin, the glow on the horizon is close now.  _ I’m glad I’m with you now,  _ Jyn tells him. His blood is all over her hands.  _ So am I,  _ Cassian replies.  _ And Jyn? Your father would have been proud of you.  _ His face is the last thing she ever sees. 


End file.
